No No No

Guess who is NOT pregnant?

I wasn’t able to wait and I tested last night. And then again this morning. And then again with the digital test that I’ve been saving for over a year for my first BFP (that never happened). So there it is, good bye hope.

My husband never has a reaction to the negative tests. So it is a little bit lonely when I get the non-surprising news. I hold it together, but as soon as I got into my car this morning, I started crying. I didn’t know it was possible to mourn a baby that didn’t exist…

We can’t afford to do another IUI this coming cycle, so back to timed intercourse…

PS: I took a picture of the “not pregnant” digital test, but I decided that this post is sad enough as it is…

Letrozole round 4.

I’ve been very quiet because I don’t know how to express what I’m feeling. On Sunday I started the 4th round of Letrozole, one year and two months later after we started TTC. I’m exhausted and tired.

Sometimes you read that TTC can make a relationship stronger or create a strain on it. In my case, I believe is the 2nd. Don’t get me wrong, we are still madly in love, we care a lot for each other, but I’m not the same. I don’t have the same passion or energy or happiness, and I can’t have it because I’m sad. I wouldn’t go as far as saying I’m clinically depressed, but I’m really sad.

I think this process is harder on the woman. I can’t explain why, but I believe the disappointment that we feel is huge and sometimes comes with shame. And fear. And sadness. And more fear. And guilt.

I feel guilty that this makes me so sad when I know I have a wonderful partner and a good life. And I don’t want to focus all of my energies on the process, but I find myself doing it. I had to remove the pregnancy app that I had on my cellphone because I was spending too much time on the TTC boards.

This is not a good week. Until next time,

Ms. (where is the) Hope.

The pimples.

Every cycle before I get my period, I get two pimples. Guess what I have since yesterday? My two pimples! So that means the waiting game it’s over and now I know for sure I’m not pregnant.

Yesterday I had a brief moment of hope after I got a very strange sharp-like pain on my left ovary. It was more like a twinge and it hit me when I was walking to the copy machine at work. It was very brief and then I had it again at home, while walking towards the mailbox.

I thought, mmm, this could be implantation? But I guess no!

I’m exhausted. This trying is exhausting. Last Christmas I thought, by next year, we’ll have our little baby. Well, it didn’t happen.