Mini update.

Hi all!

I decided to not do a FET cycle this month. The clinic told me to call when I’m ready, but they didn’t give me Letrozole. That is OK, I had a refill left and I used it. Not that I’m expecting to suddenly conceive on my own, but I don’t want to lose my regular cycles.

Hopefully I’ll be back around here soon.


Mrs. Hope.

Guess who is NOT doing IVF next week?

As you may know, I was anxiously waiting to get my period (it came today), because this was going to be finally the cycle we were going to do IVF. We were going to Syracuse at the end of next week after triggering, and do the retrieval and transfer. Everything was planned (not plane tickets of course).

Two weeks ago I got very anxious about the possibility of Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome. I requested a follow-up phone appointment for tomorrow. The idea was to discuss with a provider the possibility of doing Mini-IVF. I wanted to be completely sure before paying $3,850 for the Fertility Medicines.

My phone call was scheduled for 11:45 am. At 12:30 pm I called asking what happened. I was told the doctor was running a little bit behind, but he will call me later. At 2:30 pm I was told the doctor was in surgery and it wasn’t going to be able to call me that day. I explained that I needed to buy the medicines that day and to please find a different doctor to call me. At 3:45 pm I received the call that changed our plans.

Another doctor called me. He said right away: you can’t do IVF next week. I was caught by surprise, of course. He explained that after looking at my chart, he noticed that no one gave me Metformin. I told him my previous RE said I didn’t need it since my insulin levels are OK. He said that was a mistake, that without the Metformin we are not treating my PCOS and therefore, my eggs don’t have good quality. He said that is the reason why I haven’t been able to conceive. I agreed to do two months of Metformin and then proceed with the IVF.

When we hang up the phone I was so upset. I cried so much that day. I cried because I’ve been taking medicines for almost two years for nothing. I cried because I was very excited about next week. I cried because the Atlanta doctor could have said that a month ago. I cried because now we are back to zero.

But I’m also grateful. I’m grateful that my instincts told me to ask for a follow-up. I’m grateful that we didn’t pay all that money for anything. I’m grateful that we get to start again.

The unspoken truth.

Disclaimer: This post is not for everybody and contains information that some people may not like.

Let me start by saying that I understand this experience is different for everybody. But since this blog is therapeutic for me, I’m going to be talking about something that I suspect happens a lot more than we want to admit. Today’s topic is how our journey to conceive affects our sex life.

To begin with, there are few things less arousing that the phrase “we need to have sex today, I’m ovulating”. Yes, I know that foreplay exists and I know that you can leave it to the imagination, but after 12 rounds of Letrozole, you know that you have to try, even if it is 8 pm on a weekday night and you are both tired.

I’m also aware that Letrozole doesn’t have the same effects on every woman. For me, with the hot flashes comes the dryness. That on top of the unexplained cystitis that I’ve been suffering for almost 3 years. Then comes the fact that lubricants are not good for the baby-making process, so you do the math…

Now I’m working on enjoying life a little bit more, and trying to forget all the tests and days, and things like that. For example, I forgot that I was supposed to start tracking my LH surge today. It is hard because you want to follow the treatment, even if it hasn’t worked, but you also want to have a happy life.

My husband and I continue to be in love, and we still want to create a family, but this has been another thing we are learning to overcome as a couple. We talk a lot, we communicate, we try. But I wanted to put it out there in case that someone else is going thru something similar.

Life is not perfect by any means. We just need to make it work.

More Letrozole.

Hi all! If you thought Letrozole 5 mg was bad, try 7.5 mg. The hot flashes are so bad now, that I’m a melting pot. And I don’t know about other people, but my hot flashes usually come at night, when the house is cold and my hubby is all cozy.

We are going to try to do our first IUI this month. I’m extremely scared, because the success rate is really low, and it is an expensive procedure for us. We can’t afford to do another one in at least 6 months. And after so many disappointments, it’s really hard to be positive.


Welcome back Letrozole: I did not miss you.

Three months after the break, here we are again: back to square one. I’m on my 3rd day of letrozole and Jesus, I did not miss this medicine. Last night, while my dear hubby was sleeping all cozy, I was sweating! (I’m always cold). That was a friendly reminder that hot flashes are back, yei!

My boobs are hurting again, of course, and my back hurts. But my back was hurting before the medicines, now it’s just aggravating lol.

Anyway, fun to be back!

Letrozole round 4.

I’ve been very quiet because I don’t know how to express what I’m feeling. On Sunday I started the 4th round of Letrozole, one year and two months later after we started TTC. I’m exhausted and tired.

Sometimes you read that TTC can make a relationship stronger or create a strain on it. In my case, I believe is the 2nd. Don’t get me wrong, we are still madly in love, we care a lot for each other, but I’m not the same. I don’t have the same passion or energy or happiness, and I can’t have it because I’m sad. I wouldn’t go as far as saying I’m clinically depressed, but I’m really sad.

I think this process is harder on the woman. I can’t explain why, but I believe the disappointment that we feel is huge and sometimes comes with shame. And fear. And sadness. And more fear. And guilt.

I feel guilty that this makes me so sad when I know I have a wonderful partner and a good life. And I don’t want to focus all of my energies on the process, but I find myself doing it. I had to remove the pregnancy app that I had on my cellphone because I was spending too much time on the TTC boards.

This is not a good week. Until next time,

Ms. (where is the) Hope.

Day 26 a.k.a I hate this cycle.

Day 26 here. Still no LH surge. But at this point is not going to happen. Tomorrow I’m going for a blood test to confirm ovulation, but I don’t know how successful that will be since its supposed to be done 7 days after your ovulation day.

I’m assuming that I did ovulate but the surge was not high enough for my digital OPK to pick it up. I’m assuming that because the other possibility scares me too much. So far the only good thing going on was how well I was responding to Letrozole.

Maybe we will have to increase the dose. Maybe we’ll start trigger shots. I honestly have no idea and my RE is not being very responsive (or responsive at all). You all can imagine how nervous I’m today.

To make things worst, I had to take the day off yesterday because I’m very sick with a virus (cold) and had fever all day long.



The Intermission

When you go to see a play, there is a pause between acts call “intermission”. Well, that’s where I am right now.

My cycle has the following structure:

  • Stage 1: Action days. These are the days leading to ovulation, when we are supposed to have timed intercourse.
  • Stage 2: Waiting game. These are the two longest weeks that exist, when you try not to pee on a stick every day.
  • Stage 3: The disappointment, aka as period. No explanation needed.
  • Stage 4: Intermission (we are here!). This is the part where I take medicines.
  • Stage 5: Tests. Lots of tests. Blood tests, ovulation tests. Peeing on a stick, but a different one.

Technically speaking the cycle starts with my period and the intermission should be in the middle, but this is my play so I’m giving myself creative license.

Today is Letrozole day 3. Letrozole is a beautiful medicine that helps me ovulate while making me drier than the Sahara desert.

Oh, the places we go!

Letrozole, round 3.

Today is cycle day 3  and that means it’s time to start a new round. The other two cycles I was very excited to start, but this one I’m just OK. I still want it very much, but now I know that ovulating doesn’t equal baby.

When I get my period I have to call my doctor’s office and the lady who picks up the phone is not very nice. You would think that someone dealing with ladies that can’t get pregnant would be a little bit more sensitive.

Let me tell you the story about my 1st month. With my luck, I got my period on a Friday, and Florida was getting ready for Hurricane Irma. The doctor’s office was closed and I needed the medicines before Monday. So I managed to convince my PCP to give me the medicine and that was fine. Then, Publix didn’t have the medicine on stock. So, on Saturday, 15 minutes before they closed for the damn hurricane, I got them.

Fast forward to cycle 2 when I called to inform that my period was here. The lady got really upset because I got my medicine that way the month before, never mind that they were closed for Irma. This month I got my period on a Saturday. When I called on Monday, she got upset because I didn’t call during the weekend. So she is always upset.

And now here I am, waiting for bed time to start round 3 and praying to God and all that exists that this is finally the month.