No No No

Guess who is NOT pregnant?

I wasn’t able to wait and I tested last night. And then again this morning. And then again with the digital test that I’ve been saving for over a year for my first BFP (that never happened). So there it is, good bye hope.

My husband never has a reaction to the negative tests. So it is a little bit lonely when I get the non-surprising news. I hold it together, but as soon as I got into my car this morning, I started crying. I didn’t know it was possible to mourn a baby that didn’t exist…

We can’t afford to do another IUI this coming cycle, so back to timed intercourse…

PS: I took a picture of the “not pregnant” digital test, but I decided that this post is sad enough as it is…

To test or not to test.

Tomorrow will be two weeks since we did the IUI. My expected period day is on Thursday. I don’t know if I should test tomorrow or wait until Thursday. I’m actually surprised that I’ve waited so long. Is the 1st time I’m able to control myself.

I think that is because a part of me wants to hold on to the hope for a little bit longer and I’m avoiding the disappointment… Last night I had a recurrent dream that the pregnancy test was negative… But I’ve dream that I’m pregnant so many times, that now I don’t trust my dreams.

This is hard. I’m so afraid of another negative.

First IUI.

So yesterday was our first IUI. We woke up early, had breakfast and then proceed to take DH’s sample. We rushed to the doctor, and we made it on time. They took the sample and told us to wait in the lobby.

After 50 minutes more or less, they called us for the procedure. The nurse asked me to verify the information and to lay down. The first speculum was too big, so she had to change it. After that, she had a little bit of trouble find it my cervix (my uterus is retroverted), and I had to cough a few times. Then, she cleaned the area with some huge Q-Tips. And then, she slowly inserted the catheter with the semen.

She said that I didn’t need to lay down for 15 minutes, that it doesn’t make any difference. I was confused because everything that I read said that. She told me that we had the room for as long as we needed it, so I was welcomed to lay down. But after 5 minutes I figured she must know more than me, and I got dressed. My husband went to work, and I came to mine.

The first hour was uneventful. Then I started to have pain, lots of pain. I had pain in my ovaries, my abdomen, and parts of my body that I don’t know how to describe. By the time I left my work, I had pain even walking. I’m going to assume that it was ovulation pain because of all the medicines. I took it easy yesterday night, and by today, the pain is so much better. It went from 8 to 4 in the morning. By now, is like a 2.

So now we just have to wait and pray.

Hi Ovidrel, nice to meet you!

As I mentioned before, we are doing our first IUI this month. I took 7.5 mg of Letrozole instead of the usual 5 mg. I went to my ultrasound on CD2. Yesterday I went to my ultrasound on CD12. The good/bad thing about my clinic is that they don’t explain anything to you. They don’t tell you how many follicles you have, the size, your uterus lining, they just give you the OK. That is good because is intended to make you feel safe and taken care of, to take the pressure away. That is bad because I like to know and understand everything.

I do know that I have four follicles on my left side and that two of them are longer than 18 mm. According to Doctor Google, that is a good thing. Yesterday afternoon they called me to let me know that I was good to go (no idea about my uterus lining) and to go ahead and take the Ovidrel shot between 8 – 10 pm in my belly. The Ovidrel shot is pretty expensive. My insurance doesn’t cover it, and it costs around $215. With the help of my friend GoodRx.com, I purchased it at $167 and a few cents.

When DH got home, I told him that we have the appointment for tomorrow and that he was going to have to give a sample at the doctor’s office. He got pretty upset when I told him that I probably wasn’t going to be allowed in the room with him. So, I got upset with him. We went to Costco without talking about it anymore (we had my stepson with us) and by the time we got home, it was shot time.

I asked him to inject me because I didn’t think I would be able to do it myself. To be honest, it was pretty quick and painless. I was more concerned about damaging our very expensive medicine. Hopefully, those two follicles are growing as I write, and we’ll see what happens tomorrow. Although I know the success rate is less than 20%, we have been trying for so long, that I’m happy to take the next step in our journey.

I called the clinic today, and my DH can do the sample at home, so he is happy about that.

More Letrozole.

Hi all! If you thought Letrozole 5 mg was bad, try 7.5 mg. The hot flashes are so bad now, that I’m a melting pot. And I don’t know about other people, but my hot flashes usually come at night, when the house is cold and my hubby is all cozy.

We are going to try to do our first IUI this month. I’m extremely scared, because the success rate is really low, and it is an expensive procedure for us. We can’t afford to do another one in at least 6 months. And after so many disappointments, it’s really hard to be positive.

 

The no so good news.

Last Thursday I finally had the follow-up appointment with my RE. I was hoping we were going to be able to do the IUI this cycle, because since I was already in CD11, he said no.

I left his office crying. Sometime during our appointment, he casually mentioned that after 6 months of Letrozole, 50-60% of PCOS patients get pregnant. And of course, here I am, 9 rounds later and nothing yet. He explained our options moving forward. Of course, we are going to try IUI first, it makes more sense financially, not that any of it is covered by my insurance.

Who could think that it was going to be so hard to have a baby that is wanted that much?

For those of you that are braver than I am, there is an over the counter device that allows you to do an IUI at home. It’s call “The Stork” but you have to leave the cap inside from 4-6 hours, and I was afraid to do so.

In unrelated news, I’m pretty sure that I also have Endometriosis.

PS: I’m using green font for the 1st time because green is the color for hope. 

I’m tired.

Three months was enough time for me to forget these damn whole flashes that Letrozole brings with it.

My RE has a long waiting time for appointments. I had one for the end of December. Last week when I called to restart the medicines, I asked them to please check for any new openings. I was lucky enough to get one appointment for this coming Thursday.

Last year, just when I was supposed to start the treatment for the 1st time, a major hurricane came and it was really hard to get the medicines. Now, another one is coming. The irony…

Anyways, I’m hoping that we would be able to do an IUI this cycle but I have so many questions:

  • Is it a good idea to do it in the first month back on medication after my break?
  • What happens if I have the LH surge on a weekend?
  • What happens if I don’t get the smiley face on the test? How would we know?

It is very scary because I know the success rate is only between 10-20% and I would be a huge financial cost for us to try each month. I also don’t know how much we will have to pay for the medications, ultrasounds, procedure, etc.

I found a very affordable place for IVF in upstate NY. If anyone needs the information, please contact me. That’s the next step for us. But for that, we would have to wait.

Ay ladies, this is so hard.