Anxiety.

fertilityI haven’t updated this blog lately because I’m not sure what to say…We are currently on CD 10. I took Letrozole 5 mg from CD 3 to 7. I also started Gonal F 100 IU on CD 5.

We are doing mini-IVF (low medication cycle) because of my high risks of OHSS. My AHM levels are too high and I was afraid of doing a fully medicated cycle. I asked the doctor and he agreed with me. But now I’m wondering if I made the right decision.

So far I have four follicles, as expected. If I did the fully medicated cycle, it could have been uneventful, but if I got OHSS, I may have ended up with a high hospital bill that we can’t afford. I’ve read about other cases of women losing an ovary. I don’t know, the whole thing was too scary for me.

Now I’m just praying that everything goes well. The medicines and monitoring were so expensive. This is very stressing for me.

Guess who is NOT doing IVF next week?

As you may know, I was anxiously waiting to get my period (it came today), because this was going to be finally the cycle we were going to do IVF. We were going to Syracuse at the end of next week after triggering, and do the retrieval and transfer. Everything was planned (not plane tickets of course).

Two weeks ago I got very anxious about the possibility of Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome. I requested a follow-up phone appointment for tomorrow. The idea was to discuss with a provider the possibility of doing Mini-IVF. I wanted to be completely sure before paying $3,850 for the Fertility Medicines.

My phone call was scheduled for 11:45 am. At 12:30 pm I called asking what happened. I was told the doctor was running a little bit behind, but he will call me later. At 2:30 pm I was told the doctor was in surgery and it wasn’t going to be able to call me that day. I explained that I needed to buy the medicines that day and to please find a different doctor to call me. At 3:45 pm I received the call that changed our plans.

Another doctor called me. He said right away: you can’t do IVF next week. I was caught by surprise, of course. He explained that after looking at my chart, he noticed that no one gave me Metformin. I told him my previous RE said I didn’t need it since my insulin levels are OK. He said that was a mistake, that without the Metformin we are not treating my PCOS and therefore, my eggs don’t have good quality. He said that is the reason why I haven’t been able to conceive. I agreed to do two months of Metformin and then proceed with the IVF.

When we hang up the phone I was so upset. I cried so much that day. I cried because I’ve been taking medicines for almost two years for nothing. I cried because I was very excited about next week. I cried because the Atlanta doctor could have said that a month ago. I cried because now we are back to zero.

But I’m also grateful. I’m grateful that my instincts told me to ask for a follow-up. I’m grateful that we didn’t pay all that money for anything. I’m grateful that we get to start again.

IVF got this… (I sure hope she does, because I don’t).

ivfWell, here we are. The final stop in the fertility ladder. Or what I wish is the final stop…

We had our initial consultation at the CNY Atlanta office. I wasn’t impressed by the doctor, but I knew she was only necessary to “get in”, not for her expertise. We decided to do IVF on my next cycle (the one after the current one). After that, I was told to expect a call from the Syracuse office with further instructions.

What the Atlanta lady failed to explain to us is that after a year, you have to re-do all the tests. I refused another HSG (I’m allergic to Iodine), so I will be doing a Saline Sonogram instead (SHG). We are not re-testing my husband’s sperm because we already know he is not the problem. We also have to do a preconception genetic test (first on me, based on the results, he may or may not have to do it). Apparently, this is the best choice, because of my age, and I certainly prefer to do it on me than on the embryos.

The Atlanta doctor gave me a lot of supplements that I’m drinking daily. The IVF medicines are sooooo expensive. I didn’t have a clue of how expensive they are!

So, I’m overwhelmed, but I wanted to give a brief update of what is going on.

Until next time!

To test or not to test.

Tomorrow will be two weeks since we did the IUI. My expected period day is on Thursday. I don’t know if I should test tomorrow or wait until Thursday. I’m actually surprised that I’ve waited so long. Is the 1st time I’m able to control myself.

I think that is because a part of me wants to hold on to the hope for a little bit longer and I’m avoiding the disappointment… Last night I had a recurrent dream that the pregnancy test was negative… But I’ve dream that I’m pregnant so many times, that now I don’t trust my dreams.

This is hard. I’m so afraid of another negative.

First IUI.

So yesterday was our first IUI. We woke up early, had breakfast and then proceed to take DH’s sample. We rushed to the doctor, and we made it on time. They took the sample and told us to wait in the lobby.

After 50 minutes more or less, they called us for the procedure. The nurse asked me to verify the information and to lay down. The first speculum was too big, so she had to change it. After that, she had a little bit of trouble find it my cervix (my uterus is retroverted), and I had to cough a few times. Then, she cleaned the area with some huge Q-Tips. And then, she slowly inserted the catheter with the semen.

She said that I didn’t need to lay down for 15 minutes, that it doesn’t make any difference. I was confused because everything that I read said that. She told me that we had the room for as long as we needed it, so I was welcomed to lay down. But after 5 minutes I figured she must know more than me, and I got dressed. My husband went to work, and I came to mine.

The first hour was uneventful. Then I started to have pain, lots of pain. I had pain in my ovaries, my abdomen, and parts of my body that I don’t know how to describe. By the time I left my work, I had pain even walking. I’m going to assume that it was ovulation pain because of all the medicines. I took it easy yesterday night, and by today, the pain is so much better. It went from 8 to 4 in the morning. By now, is like a 2.

So now we just have to wait and pray.

I’m tired.

Three months was enough time for me to forget these damn whole flashes that Letrozole brings with it.

My RE has a long waiting time for appointments. I had one for the end of December. Last week when I called to restart the medicines, I asked them to please check for any new openings. I was lucky enough to get one appointment for this coming Thursday.

Last year, just when I was supposed to start the treatment for the 1st time, a major hurricane came and it was really hard to get the medicines. Now, another one is coming. The irony…

Anyways, I’m hoping that we would be able to do an IUI this cycle but I have so many questions:

  • Is it a good idea to do it in the first month back on medication after my break?
  • What happens if I have the LH surge on a weekend?
  • What happens if I don’t get the smiley face on the test? How would we know?

It is very scary because I know the success rate is only between 10-20% and I would be a huge financial cost for us to try each month. I also don’t know how much we will have to pay for the medications, ultrasounds, procedure, etc.

I found a very affordable place for IVF in upstate NY. If anyone needs the information, please contact me. That’s the next step for us. But for that, we would have to wait.

Ay ladies, this is so hard.

Letrozole round 4.

I’ve been very quiet because I don’t know how to express what I’m feeling. On Sunday I started the 4th round of Letrozole, one year and two months later after we started TTC. I’m exhausted and tired.

Sometimes you read that TTC can make a relationship stronger or create a strain on it. In my case, I believe is the 2nd. Don’t get me wrong, we are still madly in love, we care a lot for each other, but I’m not the same. I don’t have the same passion or energy or happiness, and I can’t have it because I’m sad. I wouldn’t go as far as saying I’m clinically depressed, but I’m really sad.

I think this process is harder on the woman. I can’t explain why, but I believe the disappointment that we feel is huge and sometimes comes with shame. And fear. And sadness. And more fear. And guilt.

I feel guilty that this makes me so sad when I know I have a wonderful partner and a good life. And I don’t want to focus all of my energies on the process, but I find myself doing it. I had to remove the pregnancy app that I had on my cellphone because I was spending too much time on the TTC boards.

This is not a good week. Until next time,

Ms. (where is the) Hope.