We went to Paris!

Not really…

For our 2nd NYE party, I decided to do a Paris-themed party. That was the theme that I wanted for my bridal shower (which I never did), so this was the perfect opportunity. It was a success!

I’m leaving some pictures here:

321

PS: This is not a TTC post. I got my period two days early on December 31st, had to fight with a closed clinic to get my medicines, but nothing new has happened in that front.

Owning the process.

As I explained at the beginning of this blog, most people close to us didn’t know we are TTC. That’s why I don’t use my real name here and why I don’t use pictures. I guess a part of me is protecting us from the constant questions. Another part of me was ashamed, even though is not my fault. 

But lately, I noticed that I’m talking to people about it. People at work, family, friends. I figured that this is our journey. We listen to people going thru other difficulties. We offer words of encouragement. We are there to help. So now I’m open. This is our reality.

And it helps. The more I talk about it, the less it hurts. A weight is being lifted, and I feel free. Free to fight, to try, to get up every single time. 

 

Public announcement.

Hello everybody! I know a few people around here have CNY Fertility as a backup option. I would like to let you know that the current waiting time for the initial consultation (either in person or by phone) is about 4 months. So plan ahead and be prepared 🙂

No No No

Guess who is NOT pregnant?

I wasn’t able to wait and I tested last night. And then again this morning. And then again with the digital test that I’ve been saving for over a year for my first BFP (that never happened). So there it is, good bye hope.

My husband never has a reaction to the negative tests. So it is a little bit lonely when I get the non-surprising news. I hold it together, but as soon as I got into my car this morning, I started crying. I didn’t know it was possible to mourn a baby that didn’t exist…

We can’t afford to do another IUI this coming cycle, so back to timed intercourse…

PS: I took a picture of the “not pregnant” digital test, but I decided that this post is sad enough as it is…

To test or not to test.

Tomorrow will be two weeks since we did the IUI. My expected period day is on Thursday. I don’t know if I should test tomorrow or wait until Thursday. I’m actually surprised that I’ve waited so long. Is the 1st time I’m able to control myself.

I think that is because a part of me wants to hold on to the hope for a little bit longer and I’m avoiding the disappointment… Last night I had a recurrent dream that the pregnancy test was negative… But I’ve dream that I’m pregnant so many times, that now I don’t trust my dreams.

This is hard. I’m so afraid of another negative.

TWW, I don’t like you.

This part is not fun. I was doing OK, but now I’m 7DPO and I know this is the part where implantation may or may not occur, so of course I started symptom-spotting, and we all know that is not good.

I’m happy that tomorrow is Thanksgiving and I don’t have to come back to work until Monday. Hopefully the holiday and Luna will keep me busy.